Gospel-shaped Discipline and Sin in Children’s Ministry

19/04/24

Eric is having a meltdown because his Jenga tower got knocked over. Stella is whispering with Sophie all through story time. Patrick is running around the hall instead of sitting at the table for craft.

How we respond to situations like these depends on a lot of different factors; our role and responsibilities, our own childhood experiences, our level of tiredness, hunger or the length of time since our last coffee, just to name a few. It also has a lot to do with our underlying beliefs about why children misbehave and the place of sin.

Ultimately, why are there behavioural problems? Sin. What is the answer? Jesus. Very true but we’ve skipped a whole lot of complexity to get to those answers. Jesus is the answer now, but also in a future sense because we await his return when all things will be set right (Revelation 21:4). We need to explore the messy complexity of the now and not yet, to find strategies that work now.  

So where do we turn? We need to keep our Bibles open in front of us, look at our experiences and consider a range of theories and strategies from others, praying God would give us wisdom as we seek to care for children and point them to Jesus. Here are a few thoughts.

1. Not all misbehaviour is sin.

It often feels like a child’s refusal to cooperate is personal and malicious defiance (even if we wouldn’t use those words). But it may be because they are hungry, tired, have a mozzie bite, or have already sat still enough today and don’t have the self-control to manage it any longer. There must be a place in our reflections on behaviour management to consider if our expectations and activities are the problem. Is it us, not them?

It is wise to consider not only what is developmentally possible for children at different ages but also what cultural and societal norms the child has grown up with. For example, the younger the child, the shorter you can expect them to focus on a task (such as sitting still and listening). But children in some cultures have greater capacity for this kind of task because they’ve had plenty of practice.

The point is that we cannot expect children to do what is really beyond their capacity, whether that capacity is developmentally or culturally determined. Therefore, we must ask, is the task too hard or too easy? Are we setting the child up to succeed or fail by asking them to do this activity at this time in this place?

2. Sin does pervade and corrupt us all (until Christ calls us home).

Christians rightly critique some psychological approaches because they assume that people are basically good. This is fundamentally at odds with a biblical worldview that identifies sin as the core problem with the world and within each of us.

The complexity here is that sin is present in the world in a variety of ways. Jesus speaks of this more than once. His disciples point out a blind man and ask, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” (John 9:1). But Jesus rejects this view and shows there is a bigger purpose than they have considered (John 9:3-5). Their equation is: person plus personal sin equals specific personal suffering. This might be true in some cases but not every case. Jesus says there is more going on. The same point is made when Jesus speaks of the suffering of others that famously suffered in his time (Luke 13:1-5).

This means that while not all misbehaviour is sin in a ‘1 + 1 = 2’ sense, sin is always present in all of us. A child may get distracted during story time initially because of an itchy knee, bump the child next to them who is then also distracted and in turn gives a little shove back. With five year olds, this could quickly become a scuffle that could end in tears and temporarily suspend friendships.

The presence of sin means that our motives are rarely, if ever, 100% pure. Even an act of cooperation and obedience can be motivated by pride or to ‘beat’ others. The presence of sin means that children suffer the consequences of the sin of others like their siblings, parents, teachers and friends, from instances as severe as neglect or abuse, to minor and passing incidents such as bearing the brunt of a leader’s loss of patience.

3. Sin can only be confronted within a context of grace and acceptance. Not judgement.

Here’s where it gets interesting. Our tendency as adults faced with the misbehaviour of children often defaults to what we might call a ‘Pharisaical posture’. We act like Pharisees who feel they have the right to judge others. A lot of our behaviour management involves telling children what they’ve done wrong and expecting that they can change it without any help or support, “Stop that now Jonny, do what you’ve been asked to do!”.

Children do need clear boundaries and expectations. But our role as leaders is not only to provide boundaries but to create a context of grace and acceptance where missteps and sin can be genuinely dealt with. If there is only judgment and fear, the natural reaction in us all is to hide, blame and deny. It is only where there is love and the offer of forgiveness that we can come out of hiding, admit our sin and move forward in the joy of amazing grace.

We see this in Scripture. The Pharisees stand around the adulterous woman in judgment in John 8, not recognising they are alike sinners. Jesus does not start the stoning but offers grace. In his presence, there is the possibility for restoration. It does not mean Jesus ignores or minimises her sin. He tells her to leave her life of sin (John 8:11). Grace is possible because Jesus himself will bear the just punishment for her sin. Grace is shocking at times, as this example reminds us. It is the necessary context for dealing with sin.

4. Our role as leaders and caregivers is to ‘faith coaches’. Model and extend grace, help them practice ‘getting it right’, and repent.

What does this look like? It means we need to change our posture from that of a Pharisee, to one of a brother or sister alongside the child in this journey of faith. Something that says, “I sin too, I see you and I can help you, come with me to see Jesus.” This mindset means looking to understand what is going on for children when they misbehave and find ways to help them move forward towards Jesus, whether that involves practicing social skills or saying sorry or finding another way to make this activity or task achievable.

Breaking it down further, it means there needs to be enough space in our programs for real relationships to grow so that children and leaders can get to know each other and build trust. It means there are enough leaders around so that while one leader continues up the front, another can be having a quiet chat on the side with the kid who is having trouble today. Relationships are key.

You might be reading this and thinking, ‘Yeah ok, but this doesn’t actually fix the behavioural problems’. Very true. And that is because the root problem is still sin, and the ultimate answer is still Jesus and he has not returned yet. There will never be a perfect behaviour management plan that results in perfect behaviour all the time.

We need to adjust our expectations and recognise that our role as leaders who want to disciple children involves helping them learn and practice how the gospel intersects with everyday actions. Just like us, children will try and fail and try again. Meeting them where they are with empathy, kindness and grace models the love of God in a way that means they can grow without fear.

There will always be an Eric who has a meltdown. Stella and Sophie may have to be reminded several times not to whisper during story time. Patrick may or may not respond to a trusted leader who encourages him to come look at the craft table and talk about options. I hope we start to consider it a success not when these incidents don’t happen but when we as leaders offer a gospel-shaped response.

This is a big topic and so much more to be explored in this area. Please email me Annemarie.rivers@youthworks.net with your thoughts, comments or questions.