Responding to Big Emotions in Children

19/04/24

It’s Friday afternoon and kids club is in full swing. Kids are racing around with balls of all sizes, excitedly telling teen leaders about the birthday party last weekend and demolishing the afternoon tea. The happy buzz is disrupted by a yell from the handball area. There is a dispute over who is out and Timmy, a year 3 boy, is on the verge of tears with frustration and anger. Leaders quickly converge on the situation and you find yourself with Timmy as he rages at the injustice of it all. What do you say?

Kids have big emotional reactions at times. Often it can lead to what leaders might call ‘behavioural problems’ because we don’t think it is socially appropriate to be displaying emotions as blatantly as children sometimes do.  And so we respond to it as we do other ‘problems’ – we try to fix it.

There is a good motivation in the impulse to ‘fix’ an emotional outburst because usually the emotion, like frustration, anger or sadness, is perceived to be a negative one. These are not enjoyable to experience and as adults, we don’t like to see children experiencing something unpleasant.

It isn’t helpful however, to throw displays of emotion into the same basket as other behaviour problems though. Emotions are part of the human experience. Although we can easily (and usually) end up reacting in hurtful ways (to ourselves and others) as we try to deal with that emotion, it is not the same as when we choose to lie or hit someone else. Emotions are likely involved in both, but they are in different categories.

For children especially, emotions can be very big and powerful. By the very fact that they haven’t lived as long as adults, even aside from developmental differences, children have not had as much practice as adults as showing emotions in socially appropriate ways. For example, a child who misses out on the last of the chocolate cake may cry or stomp around angrily sharing their disappointment with anyone present. An adult in the same situation would likely attempt to brush it off and minimise any display of disappointment even though the feeling may be just as strong.

There isn’t anything wrong with being disappointed about missing out on chocolate cake, if anything it makes total sense. It is not a sin in itself.[1] But it is very possible that both the adult and the child will sin as they struggle to respond to the feeling. The child may sweep the plate onto the floor and smash it. The adult may add this slight to a mental list of grudges held against the person who is enjoying that last piece of cake. Small sins, but still sin.

So knowing how to respond is tricky. The good part is that we don’t need to be the judge of what’s going on the inside and decide what is sin and what isn’t. Only God knows each person’s heart fully. Our response can be free from judgment.

A play therapist in the US, Dr Gary Landreth, developed a method of responding to children summarised by the acronym A.C.T.[2] This is a helpful framework to adapt for our ministry settings as it provides an easy way to remember the three parts of helpful response to children.

A is for acknowledge the feeling. This means noticing and naming what the child seems to be experiencing. There are multiple benefits from this. It helps the child realise that what they are feeling is not abnormal or something to be feared, but something that has a name that an adult can calmly articulate. It also respects the child in paying attention to what they are experiencing rather than rushing to change or control them. In our example of Timmy and the frustration over the handball game, it is helpful for a leader to respect Timmy by acknowledging that there is some legitimacy to what he is feeling, and there is support for helping him deal with that feeling in a more appropriate way.

C is for clarify the boundary or expectation. This means articulating the rule or expectation that is at play. It’s not personal, just a reminder of what is ok and what is not. In Timmy’s case, a leader might say, “It’s not ok to hurt others”, if it looks like Timmy might hit or throw something in his frustration. It’s always best that this is stated objectively, not in a way that makes it personal such as, “You can’t do that.”

But we could also skip this step if there are no specific rules being tested or broken. If Timmy is simply raging then we, as leaders, need to stay calm and give him some time and space to calm down. The important thing here is to stay with him and not abandon him when he needs help to deal with what has happened. It might mean sitting next to him or nearby, quietly waiting. Timmy may not have done anything ‘wrong’, he is simply experiencing big feelings. He just needs someone by his side while he moves through what he is feeling. Many leaders will know from experience that rushing into try to reason with a child does not help when they are too worked up. Waiting patiently alongside is a way to show support and a willingness to be there no matter what.

T stands for target the choice. This means offer the child a choice of two acceptable options. When Timmy is able to listen, a leader could say, “Would you like to do some push ups with me and work off some of that frustration? Or come and grab some afternoon tea?” Offering a choice is a way of respecting the child rather than trying to control them. This is an approach used in a variety of contexts because it moves the interaction in a helpful direction while still allowing the child to have some say in the matter.

The A.C.T. response framework was not initially designed for leaders in ministry settings, but it is helpful in a number of ways. It aligns with our desire to love and value children, discipling them to be disciples who make godly choices in all areas of life. It draws on several helpful strategies that have been proven in a wide variety of contexts such as noticing and naming emotions and giving choices.[3]

Using this kind of approach is not the answer to everything in the group management space. There is so much more that needs to be explored and clear processes developed. But learning and practicing A.C.T. responses is hopefully one step in the right direction for leaders who want to build trust with children and point them to Jesus.

I’d love to hear from you. Email me Annemarie.rivers@youthworks.net with your thoughts, comments and questions.

[1] I explore more of the relationship between sin and behaviour management in another article.

[2] I first came across this in Trauma-Informed Children’s Ministry by Crosby & Crosby (2022). It helpfully summarises ideas and strategies from a variety of sources and contexts.

[3] Naming emotions is part of clinical counselling skills but also in hostage negotiations! Never Split the Difference by C. Voss (2016).