Tell Me More

Wayne: How’s mum?

Dale: Good

Wayne: How’s Dad?

Dale: Good

Wayne: How’s Trace?

Dale: Good

Wayne: How’re you?

Dale: Good

Wayne: How’s Steve?

Dale: He’s alright

Wayne: Good

  Dale’s voiceover: Even though he’s the oldest and I’m the youngest, we get on great![1]

At the heart of a great discipleship ministry is relationship. Paul models the kind of relationship that bears the fruit of the gospel in 1 Thessalonians 2:8:

“Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.”

And the fruit of this kind of relationship is found in verse 13:

“And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as a human word, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is indeed at work in you who believe.”

While relationship is at the heart of discipleship, communication is the foundation of relationship.

That’s why conversations like the one above between Wayne and Dale Kerrigan in ‘The Castle’ are so frustrating! As youth leaders, we long to share our lives with the young people we disciple, but for all kinds of reasons, so often we’re met with a brick wall of one-word answers.

So how do we climb that wall into the green pastures of free-flowing conversation (read relationship) that lie on the other side?

Time

James* was a new kid in youth group. He was at the end of his rope with faith and was trying out our youth group because his mum said he had to. He was private, short with words and very prickly with others. Early attempts to chat, even about very light subjects were met with one-word answers or even silence. He was not ready. We had not established trust. Fast forward about 6 months and the situation had changed. The time that he needed to figure out whether he could trust our community had meant that many relationships had flourished over time. Various leaders and youth were able to have significant conversations, address many of his questions, doubts and frustrations with Christianity and be part of his forward journey of discipleship.

Relationship takes time. And the fruit of that relationship is receiving the word of God not as human word but as it actually is, the word of God.

Time + Persistence = Commitment

But time won’t grow relationships on its own. Without the continued presence of welcoming youth and leaders, time would not have produced the trust required for the fruitful discipleship relationships that eventually came about. The discipleship community showed great persistence in continuing to show up for James even when all indications were that their relationship was not appreciated. Without persistence, James could have let go of the end of the rope of his faith. But under God, and through the persistence of the community, James was nurtured back to full and thriving faith. Your persistence, when added to time, becomes commitment. The community were committed to James.

Tell Me More

But sometimes our conversations are stunted because we’re not sure how to go deeper. Kara Powell and Brad Griffin suggest a simple phrase to help show your interest in sharing your life with the young people in your life. They say:

[Our colleague Steve Argue]… says, “The first question isn’t as important as the second or third question”. That’s because the first question comes from our agenda; what follows emerges from the unfolding conversation.[2]

The phrase (which is actually emblematic of an approach) is ‘tell me more’.

Imagine if Wayne answered Dale’s responses with ‘tell me more’

Wayne: How’s mum?

Dale: Good

Wayne: Tell me more!

Dale: She made the best dessert last night!

Wayne: Really?

Dale: Yeah it was this apple crumble… but it had this weird spice on it! It was delicious!

Wayne: Yeah mum’s such a great cook, hey!

Dale: Yeah… better than dad…

 But ‘tell me more’ is more than a phrase. It’s an approach. Other examples might be:

·        What did you like about it?

·        What was that like?

·        What’s she been doing, recently?

 And the list goes on. Powell and Griffin say about ‘tell me more’

“Sometimes, it opens up enough of a crack for an adult to peer inside the elusive experience of the reserved teenager. And with older students who made be jaded by how little adults seem to want to know about them, “tell me more” can be a relational game changer”[3]

What can you do this term to grow the kind of discipleship relationships that, under God, bear gospel fruit?

[1] The Castle, 1997

[2] Powell, K. Griffin, B. 2021. 3 Big Questions That Change Every Teenager. Baker Books. Grand Rapids, Michigan. P59

[3] Powell and Griffin, p59