Strengthening single-parent families strengthens the church
Small endeavours speak volumes to a single parent who is hurting and mean the world to a child adjusting to a new reality
Walking into church as a single parent is hard. I felt like everyone could see exactly what I was lacking – a spouse. I felt so conspicuous. So public. Are they judging me? Are they pitying me? I went and found a seat and begged my kids to be good so “bad parent” wasn’t added to “no husband” in the labels I was carrying.
The kids at this point didn’t seem too bothered. It got harder for them when they went to their own program. Kids will ask each other things without the filter that adults have. They’ll ask where your dad is and why he isn’t there…For a little person learning to do life without one of their parents, that can be a suffocating moment. There were a couple of times we left church halfway through because it was just all too much for them.
An opportunity to love
Many Christians who divorce end up falling away from their church for a variety of reasons. And this is just at the time when they, and the kids, are at their most vulnerable and most needing of love and support.
In addition, outside of the church, divorce is quite common, unfortunately. Common enough for it not to be a big deal. In Australia, just over 14% of family households are single-parent families – nearly 80% of those are single mother-led families[1]. So, if our churches are reflecting our communities, over 10% of the families in our churches will be single parents. We want our churches to be known as a place where single parents feel they can go.
So here’s the opportunity for children’s ministry leaders: if our churches can provide great support for our children, the parents will stay for their benefit. And in so doing, we have an opportunity to strengthen the parent, and the parent and child together. And if we do this well, families to whom this tragedy befalls might be less likely to drop away, and the church will be recognised in our communities as a place to go when life goes wrong. We could be what God wants us to be—the place where people know they can find the love and community of Jesus.
Some things to know about the single parented kids in your ministry
A lot of single-parent families do every other weekend to be with the other parent. That means that the kids may only be with you every other Sunday.
The other parent may not be a committed Christian so the child may only be getting a “half dose” of spiritual leadership. The Christian parent may be struggling to compensate for the other half to ensure the kids have the best possible chance to see faith in action modelled, to be taught well, to know the heart of Christ and to create the space for the Spirit to work in their hearts.
The kids may well be hurting and maybe suffering other emotional distress depending on how recent the events were, what the events were and how acrimonious the separation has been. The child might be withdrawn, weepy and nervous. They might be oversensitive to any perceived criticism, judgement and discipline. They might be clingy. They might tell you that something hurts or that they don’t feel well which could be a sign they are feeling anxious or overwhelmed.
Kids may feel isolated and left out as the other kids have both parents with them at church and/or both parents picking them up from kids’ church.
Father’s Day and Mother’s Day can be a bust. We think about this in terms of the parent, but often we don’t think about how this day feels for the child.
Some ministry ideas
Find a way to provide materials for the kids for the “off weeks”.
Find a way to provide a family devotional or Bible study materials so the single parent is equipped to lead and teach the kids at home.
Suggest (or gift) devotionals or Bible studies to the kids (and teach them how to use them) to empower the kids in their own spiritual journey.
Teach the kids to pray and encourage them to pray out loud, with and for their single parent. The faith of children is pure and beautiful, and this can encourage the single parent who may feel alone on the journey.
Perhaps offer to watch the kids after church so the parent can connect with other people. A single parent will often leave straight after church rather than try to make small talk with strangers while being the sole parent to watch over the kids. This means they miss out on fellowship.
Encourage the kids in a peer group so they develop a cohort that keeps them strongly connected to church.
Find ways to help the single parent (Safe Ministry allowing) get the kids to your mid-week kids’ program or Friday night Youth.
Talk to the parent to understand what the child’s non-verbal emotional signs might be. Find out if their signals are nervous and withdrawn or clingy and so on. That way, you are better equipped to support the child when you can tell that they are uncomfortable, upset or overwhelmed. This also helps to reassure the parent on how the kids are going, or alert them if the kids were feeling fragile, worried, and teary. It seems counterintuitive but this will help the parent feel confident that you are looking out for the children and will keep the parent involved in your ministry energies.
Visit the family or highlight the parent for a pastoral visit from a minister. Single parents often need to feel as though they matter, and so one on one attention will be encouraging to them.
It’s not a system, it’s loving
When we first went back to church after lockdown, the new senior minister made a special effort to know, and make sure he had remembered, my kids’ names correctly. He spoke to them and asked them about themselves and joined them in a game after the service. This meant a huge amount to me. It said that he cared for my children. It said that he cared enough about me to care about my children. It said that he cares about children. I knew, as a single mum, and as a parent, that we would be in safe hands there.
You see, systems are good. Systems help us to be intentional about, and have a framework for, caring for kids and their parents. But at the end of the day, the system is there so we can love each other well. Small endeavours speak volumes to a single parent who is hurting. They mean the world to a kid who is adjusting to a new reality.
Anyone hurting in our churches means the body is weakened. As God’s people, this is where we should enfold them, share their burdens, love them. If we strengthen the family, we strengthen the church – and fulfil the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2).
Ruth is a single mum of two beautiful boys, a graduate of SMBC, and author of Are We There Yet?
[1] https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/labour/employment-and-unemployment/labour-force-status-families/latest-release#:~:text=In%20June%202020%20there%20were,of%20these%20being%20single%20mothers