Helping children understand grief and change
Help children understand their grief and sadness amidst COVID-19 by letting them express their feelings.
On Sunday I went to my friends’ house to watch our church live stream and have lunch. Their daughter, who is seven years old, said grace for us. As she prayed, she thanked God that we could watch church together, but she also said, “I’m sad that we can’t be at normal church”.
She summed up how I was feeling quite well. I’m sure the two of us aren’t alone in feeling sad.
We are in the middle of something we’ve never experienced before and it feels like everything around us has changed. Church life has been massively impacted by social distancing measures and there is a deep grief that comes from not being able to meet together.
Not only is grief and sadness a normal reaction, it’s also the right reaction. When Jesus saved us he brought us not only into fellowship with himself but into fellowship with one another. We aren’t just saved from something, we are saved to something.
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This is a story that’s as old as time itself. In Genesis 2, when God made Adam he said “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). This was the first time something in creation was not good. It was never God’s plan for us to be alone. This is the first glimpse we get of God’s people as a gathering.
In Genesis 12 we see the beginning of Israel, God’s chosen people. The promises to Abraham start with God’s declaration “I will make you into a great nation” (Genesis 12:2). God’s promise to Abram and Sarai was a family and not a small one! Descendants more than the number of stars in the sky and grains of sand on the beach. The gathering of God’s people grows through the family of Abraham.
The New Testament starts the “genealogy of Jesus the Messiah, the son of David, the son of Abraham” (Matthew 1:1). Our salvation in Jesus makes us part of the promised nation, the family of Abraham, the gathered people of God. This is the reason that from the beginning of the established church Christians “devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship” (Acts 2:42).
The apostle Peter talks about the people of God like this:
“You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” - 1 Peter 2:9
The gathering of God’s people started right from the beginning. There is a joy that comes from being with one another because that how we express our unity to Christ and each other.
The joy of this togetherness isn’t just for now. We are headed towards an even better gathering. A perfect and eternal gathering of “a great multitude that no one [can] count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb” (Revelation 7:9).
We belong to a group of people who have lived across centuries and countries and who will spend eternity gathered at the throne of Jesus. It sounds amazing! This is what we express as we meet together in our humble, eclectic church family each week. So, when we can’t meet together it’s not just sad because we miss them, it’s also sad because there’s a deeper truth being expressed when we are together. It’s sad because we are meant to be gathered together and anything else can feel second rate. I know so many churches are working hard to find new ways to do and be church, but there’s an overwhelming feeling that this isn’t how things should be or how we want them to be. There is a new normal and although it isn’t how we would choose to do (or be) church, it’s what we have for the moment.
How do we respond to this grief and sadness? The first thing is to name what we’re feeling. That’s often easier for adults than for children. We have an opportunity now to use some creative ways to help children name and talk about what they are feeling.
If you’re a children’s ministry leader why not put a downloadable pack together that you can to parents, which include some or all of the following:
Emojis
Google and print some emojis or faces of different expressions to represent things children might be feeling e.g. happy, sad, angry, confused. Stick them on your fridge or on a wall in the house somewhere. You could make it part of your morning routine that everyone chooses a face that describes how they are feeling that day.
Sad, Mad, Glad
This is something I use regularly in children’s ministry and it’s an excellent way to get to hear how children are feeling about different things in their life. I have flashcards with the words sad, mad and glad on them. Children get to choose a word and talk about something that made them sad, mad or glad. You could use this as part of your night-time routine to help children reflect on their day and express how they felt about it.
Drawing
This can be used to help children talk about the things they miss. Ask them to draw of picture of something they miss doing. Talk to them about their drawing afterward and share what you miss doing too.
The point of these activities isn’t to change or “fix” how they are feeling. As adults, we know that just saying how we are feeling helps us to feel better. This is what we are trying to do. It can be easy to want to help them see the positive side of things but sometimes just listening is the best thing we can do. You can also share how you’re feeling.
When my friend’s daughter said grace on Sunday, I could have responded by pointing out that some good things about doing church at home or finding ways to try to cheer her up. But the sadness she was feeling is okay. In fact, it’s right to be sad about not being able to be together as a church. Instead, I simply said, “I’m sad too” and allowed her the space to say more if she wanted to.
Express fellowship in new ways
The ultimate solution to missing fellowship is to have fellowship. Technology will be our friend over the new few months so make the most of it. Use Facetime to allow your kids to call their friends. They need to see each other, not just hear each other. Encourage them to do things together over Facetime (or Skype/Zoom etc). Draw pictures, play lego, eat lunch – things they would normally do together. Children probably won’t just sit and chat for a long time like some adults might so find ways for them to virtual do things together.
Life has changed significantly over the past two weeks. But there are many things that haven’t changed.
We are still saved by Jesus. Our future in him is secure and our fellowship with one another is as real as it was two weeks ago. We are Abraham’s descendants, the people of God. And we still need the gospel every day.
