The Three R’s of Gospel-Shaped Discipline with Kids
One of the biggest fears people have about serving in children’s ministry leadership roles is around behaviour management. What do you do when a child refuses to cooperate? What do you do when the group won’t settle down and listen?
Where do we find the answers? How should we think about discipline and group management? We often look to secular sources for help in this area. But I want to argue that while there may be good strategies and skills to learn elsewhere, our understanding of discipline should primarily be shaped by the gospel.
Our gospel message should be guiding not just what we share in our teaching times but also how we relate to children when they misbehave. In Colossians 3, Paul says to the believers, ‘let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom… and whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus’ (verses 16-17). Even our behaviour management should be shaped by the gospel message, and everything done in a manner that honours our Lord Jesus Christ.
Here's the way I like to summarise what Gospel-shaped discipline (or group management) looks like.
1. Gospel-Shaped Discipline is Relational
Ministry is about relationships. The vertical relationship between God and people and the horizontal relationship between people. From our earliest moments, the relationships we have with caregivers shapes how we view and experience the world. In our heavenly Father’s wisdom, we are saved into a family who encourage, teach and equip each other (Col 3:16). Relationships within our church family influence and shape us just as those in our family of birth.
It's not controversial to say that people listen to those they trust and admire. The same is true in children’s ministry. Kids will listen to the gospel message we speak when they know and trust us. Our message will ring true when our actions and words are a continual example of a changed life.
There’s a time and place for learning and practicing skills in group management. The firm foundation that makes those skills or strategies successful is good relationship. Not surprisingly, it goes both ways. We need good relationship so our group management is more successful, and managing a group well will mean good relationships can grow and develop. The point is that it is all about relationships.
2. Gospel-Shaped Discipline is Respectful
What type of relationship should we be looking to develop in our children’s ministries? Between children and between children and leaders, we want relationships to be respectful. Yes, children need to respect leaders but it goes both ways. Leaders need to respect children.
Children are, by definition, young people. They are made in the image of God and loved by him, just as an adult is. This may seem obvious but we sometimes lose the implications of these truths. It means we do not want to be controlling children or forcing them to comply simply because we think we know better. There are ways to deal with behaviour problems that don’t force cooperation.
As leaders, we also want to be respecting each other as well as parents and caregivers. Living out the gospel alongside each other involves honesty, saying sorry and seeking forgiveness, bearing with one another and lots of other uncomfortable truths we’d prefer were theoretical. Respecting parents and caregivers means acknowledging their place in the life of each child, and their responsibilities to care and disciple them, whether they know or accept that or not.
3. Gospel-Shaped Discipline is Restorative
The gospel message is about the possibility of restored relationship between God and people through Jesus. There is always a way back. Until that final day, the opportunity for restoration will be there. Our ministries should be the same. We never want to exclude a child completely and irrevocably.
It may be in the small things like saying, “Are you ready to rejoin the group? We’d love to have you back if you’re ready to play by the rules.” It may be bigger and longer processes that involve weeks off and behaviour plans and risk assessments, but even then, we want the door to stay open.
Teachers often say students learn more from the mistakes they make in maths or science than just from listening to concepts being taught. We all learn from our mistakes. This is true with behaviour too, and with learning to be disciple of Jesus. As leaders we want to help kids grow and learn from the times they hurt a friend, fail to play by the rules or lose their temper.
We want our gospel message to be clear in our teaching and also in all our interactions with children, even when they misbehave… especially when they misbehave.
Interested in finding out more? Our Gospel-shaped Discipline training is available on request by contacting one of our Ministry Advisors and also on our Training Ministry Teams subscription site.
